About 10 years ago when my parents split up. I had this urge to have a perfect family ever since. I grew up learning from the circumstances, from people around me, from places I traveled and lived. I had a sister who died of Hepatitis at the age of 17 and I was only 11, my younger brother was 9 and elder one was 13. We had never heard of any sort of disease nor had we known that people can die so young. My family needed a strong leader to help fill the void left by the death of my sister.
It wasn’t just the pain of seeing my family break down in front of me and the shattering of the image of my father whom I idolized, nor was it the traumatizing loss of my amazing elder sister who I deeply loved, depended on and looked up to, but it was a loss of my innocence, of my vanished childhood and the resulting shattered belief in life. Inwardly I felt fate had abandoned me and taken away all that I held so dear. I would never let my pain be known and carried on with an outwardly smile.
When I was 18 I started working as an Actress and made some really good and bad friends. My co-Actors Sarah Chaudhry, Mariam Ali, Affan Waheed, Jamal Shah, Layela Zuberi were like a second family. And every time we’d sit together onthe sets we’d talk about GOD and His creation. How we fit together in this world and It’s system. I could totally be myself with them. I haven’t had very good experiences with people in this industry but somehow I had managed these relations al-right. I was a total misfit to this unknown glamour world (I couldn’t fake myself).
I was blessed with being a Muslim. I used to pray, keep Roza’s and give charity (had fear of Allah). I have also read Qur’an just like any other normal growing up Muslim. Everytime I’d find myself in trouble I’d pray and I knew Allah helps me. The only thing I held onto real strong was ‘Ayat ul Kursi’ [Surah al-Baqarah (2):255]
Sarah Chaudhry my co-actor that I mentioned earlier before was as close to me as a real sister. She had left Showbiz and called it Haraam & what not. She moved to Abu Dhabi with her husband and turned all ninja (Naqabi). Definitely left me with too many questions. Once she was online and she said to me I have a question to ask from the youth, She said "We know everything, somewhere back of our heads, we can differentiate the wrong and the right without getting confused. Then I fail to understand, WHY don’t we follow it" from an Islamic prospective. I began to think about it. The Question that shook me was "Why? Why have I ruined myself ? I’m so caughtup inthis world that I had forgotten the reality. When did I become so ignorant and busy that I don’t even have time for my own mother any more. Everybody has to face Allah. What would I say to Him ?"
And I’m sure many of you out there reading this can relate to my situation. You know that’s the problem with our youth that we’re too lazy in religion and way too active in worldly activities. I started asking for help from "ALLAH".
Was it Satan that took control over me? Or was it me, myself? One by one I started to quit and eliminate the bad things and people from my life. I needed good influences. I needed motivation to stand up for the "Truth". I didn’t really know what to do but I kind of knew that I’m not too far from the reality. I never stopped praying. I was optimistic.
End of 2011, I find out that Sarah is coming back to Pakistan. I used to runaway from her but she invited me to this event, where she’s giving a speech and some other scholars & researchers are attending too. I and Mariam (My friend) had planned to go see her to Islamabad. As we reached to the venue, Faisal Mosque, my heart sank. The first tear dropped by just looking at this beautiful Masjid (Mosque) it looked so spiritual and peaceful. I saw it that close for the first time. We walked across the corridor and I see book stalls left & right. Boys and girls are standing smiling selling Islamic books. They were so welcoming unconditionally Alhamdulillah that I almost forgot that this is the same world we live in. I was really excited for the Islamic seminar.
The very first hall we went to, there were all girls sitting inside and a fashion show was going on. Lol, before you jump into any conclusions this was an ISLAMIC fashion show of Abaya’s (veils, hijab) and appropriate dresses for Muslim women. But I was probably expecting a little too much so for me it was almost inappropriate fashion show. As all the girls were screaming out loud and they played this ugly music for the runway. Anyway after the show this lady walked up on stage, she was wearing a Hijab, and looked absolutely gorgeous. As she started to talk, She said "Assalam o Alaikum, with the name of GOD here I am today to talk about the most important thing that our youth (especially girls) go through "The void". Instantly my jaw dropped and I thought for the first time in my life and I MEAN IT (the first time) I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I felt like GOD is communication with me directly. All these years the questions I had on my mind. She had answered so easily in 20 minutes.
I and Mariam were in tears. As she kept giving examples of Hazrat Mariam R.A (Merry) Hazrat Ai’shah R.A (Aisha) Hazrat Khateeja R.A Hazrat Fatimah RA. Everytime She says Mariam, she’d say ‘Listen to me carefully’ I would look at my friend and we just didn’t know what was happening to us. That feeling can’t be described in words. That woman said this repeatedly ‘Build your connection, build your connection, depend on ALLAH, rely on ALLAH’.
You see, we assume that celebrities commit super duper sins and when someone repents, we say "OMG! how bad that person would’ve been and what would he have done, to repent, look he’s gone from one extreme to another". Do you realize the amount of sins you commit sitting in your homes, each day ? I’m talking about normal people, not public figures. No, you don’t realize that’s the problem and when someone realizes, you accuse them for things and you mock them. For that you need deep studies on Islam. Only that will show you, your real face.
Anyway when we walked the second hallway I see this man preaching onthe stage. He is a researcher named Adnan Rashid from (iERA UK). He was talking about women in Islam. For an hour, I was listening to him. I was so involved that I didn’t know where I was and who were with me. I was in a state of shock and couldn’t see him clearly; he was a blur as tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks. My shawl was gone wet.
When he was done talking, he walked off saying one last thing to wind up "Look what we have and how we waste it, look who we are and how we deny it. We’re following west, poor confused people who don’t even have family values. We have given them the way of life, we have given them the freedom and we sold them Our Religion, and yet knowing how consistent our Religion is, we have left it on a side. Wake up People, Wake Up".
January 9th 2012 I found the purpose of my life. The whole prospective towards this world had changed. I walked out of that place promising to myself that I will bring the Revolution. I will be the motivation and I will inspire people. I had found my identity, I had found myself. All this long these people had made my religion so complicated for me. And yet, Allah made it so easy for me to accept it
The fact that is undeniable is that we’ll have to face ALLAH subhana Wa talla one day, whether it be today, tomorrow or after a few years. He definitely does not need worshipers but HE’s our creator right? And HIS (swt) love for us is more than 70 times than a mother, Imagine that passion of love and imagine its ‘unconditional’. Imagine if HE (swt) loved me even after I neglected HIM (swt) so much. HE loved our Atheists, Jews and Christian brothers and sisters that they’re reverting to ISLAM every single minute of the day and they’re becoming better Muslims than us!!!
Ask yourself why ? I did, and I found the answers.
WALLAHI we can’t even imagine the amount of Love that ALLAH has for us. Tears wouldn’t stop falling down my cheeks as I get flash backs of my life. I’ve wasted so much of my time. I’ve been neglectful and lazy. If I had known what I know now, by Allah I would have been a different person.
I prayed properly with my heart and soul after 6 months and I cried like a baby. I remember the last time I cried like that on my sister’s funeral. I found the connection back. I’ve Quit Acting to practice Islam properly. I cover and I feel awesome. I respect relations more. I respect my mother more. I worry about my hereafter. I’m glad to be where I am today. Some of you would call me crazy and think that I’ve lost it but brothers and sisters, True love is not something that comes every day. You find Allah when you seek for HIM. I’ve been hungry for years and that’s why I’m blessed with Hidayah (Guidance)May Allah guide us all. This story of my life is for you to get a lesson from.
Remember me in your prayers & make lots of Dua’s for yourself n your family.
"Nothing is hard, as long as you’re truly making an effort for it."
Courtesy : Hassan Khan Rao
Special Thanks to Sataesh khan( all duas for her=D)
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